Fingerman's blog Making money on the internet, meeting women and traveling the world

You only truly understand “Cognitive Congruence” after you’ve experienced it

I just had the biggest realization ever.

You know when Ryan talks about cognitive congruence? Well it's all good to understand it and acknowledge that it's important, but yesterday I just realized that I have been experiencing it, a lot. And that it makes a huge difference in my ability to pick up girls.

First of all what is cognitive congruence? I'm not sure exactly but what it means to me is the way you act all day will influence the way you act at night when you go pick up. For example if in your life every time you interact with a human being you kind of shy away and ignore them, chances are when you go out at night it will not be easy to switch to confident and talkative mode. So your brain (cognitive) wouldn't be "congruent".

One thing that I've noticed for months now is that if I don't chill I can't pick up chicks. I mean I can go talk to them. I can touch them. I can make them laugh. But it will never go anywhere. I will never get any girl to actually like me. If I don't chill, I have zero game. If you're new to this you might look at me and think I have "alright" game because I'm approaching and getting reactions and getting my mouth moving. But if you look deeper I'm never building anything. If you look deeper I have no game.

Sometimes I'll hit up the bar and I'll just be in a natural chill state. I'll talk slow. I'll walk slow. When I meet a girl I'll just feel super comfortable with myself and enjoy the moment with her and it will totally work between us. Then I'll be like "OMG I have so much game, Im just chilling all the time and all these girls want me." Guys would ask me "Dave, how do you this, how to do that..." and I would just tell them to chill. They looked at me confused. Some of them told me they couldn't.

Then every once in a while I would go out to the bar and I can't chill. So I go up to girl, start talking to her and my mouth starts moving by itself, spitting crap. I grab the girl and try to take her somewhere even if it's too early, then I give up because I can't just chill and hang out there. I CAN'T! Then I take a pause and I'm like what is this, just chill Dave, you chill all the time, let's do it. Then I go talk to another girl. Can't chill! Again! What the hell. I was very confused by this behavior of mine for a long time. Until I met this Spanish dude.

Basically, one of my friends friend is from Tempa. And he is some kind of Spanish gangster. He talks like a gangster. He walks like a gangster. He calls women "hoes". Anyway you can imagine. So I meet him and he's just talking really slow and taking his time and walking really slow. It's just the way he is. He's always chilling in my definition of chilling. Anyway we met up before going to the bar with all my friends and I didn't think anything of it except that he was gangster and that I like gangsters lol.

Then I noticed throughout the night that every time he would go talk to a girl, he would keep chilling. He would just talk really slow and walk really slow and hang out and be chilling. He didn't have that much game but I'm sure he gets laid every once in a while, especially if he went out more. He was just chilling, making eye contact and listening to what the girl says while having a funny, sexual and low energy conversation. Then I was like, "damn this guy is like me when I'm being good."

At the end of the night, no one pulled any chick. I actually only talked to a few girls because I was to frustrated by my inability to chill and I knew it wouldn't go anywhere because I couldn't chill. Every time I went up to a girl I just kept spitting words and trying to lead her (that might sound good but trust me there MUST be chilling in between lol). F---ing Orlando I don't like it here and it messes with my head. So like I was saying, no one pulled that night and we were just hanging out after and still Spanish gangster is just chilling and enjoying life and he's just like "tonight was fun, I talked to a lot of hoes" in his gangster accent. I was quite envious of him at that moment and understood how others felt around me when I was being chill all the time. But why couldn't I be????

Then it hit me. Cognitive congruence. This guy is chill all the time, so how hard can it be for him to be chill when he goes to the bar to talk to women. Pretty damn easy. He doesn't have to change a thing. If you actually asked this guy to be a dancing monkey, I'm sure he would find it really difficult. Then I realized that when I have a very easy time to be chill is when I am chill all the time. When I had just come from my 10 days meditation retreat I was chill all the time because I had just spent 10 days chilling and meditating. I took my time to do everything because that's what I was used to doing. When you're at a meditation retreat, you can't do anything so even when you take a walk it's like a great event, you don't rush it because there's nothing to do afterward.

Also when I was in Montreal I was getting laid a lot and hanging out with girls a lot so during those times I was chilling all the time. Also I didn't work on my computer as much as I've been doing here which to me is an anti chill because when I work I always try to rush things and do 10000000 things at a time. So to me, if I chill in my everyday life, even when I'm walking to the toilet to take a piss or eating my bowl of cereal. If I do those things slowly and in a chill way. Which to a lot of you would refer to as "being in the moment" while doing them, then when I go out at night it will be super easy to be chill and pick up the ladies.

So if you have some kind of state of mind or something that helps you pick up girls (or helps your overall happiness), then you probably want to incorporate it in every moment of your life, this way it will be second nature to do it at the club and you will have lots of success.